That One Time at Kroger

First, let me preface this story by saying that hind sight is 20/20. Now those of you that know me well may already know that my actual name is Tully Oblivious Dunn. I do not pride myself in being fully aware of my surroundings, especially not after a long day of teaching.

With that…

A week or so back I had a few friends coming into town for Friendsgiving (that in itself can be it’s very own blog post. one day. maybe…). Not being one to cook well or often, it took numerous trips to Kroger before I finally had everything I needed to pull the weekend off. On one of these trips I spent most of the time on the phone with my bestie girl. We had talked school, boys, plans, and had finally made it to the baking aisle to get a few pans to make casseroles in. (Apparently you actually have to buy those when you don’t live with your mom anymore.)

So as we chat, I’m mindlessly looking around at the (gazillion) different pan shapes and sizes. Picking some up and putting them back a good few times before thinking “Ya know, I’m probably in the way. Let me do a courtesy check.”

PLOT TWIST: I courtesy check my way into watching a man  LITERALLY  walk away with my wallet in hand. Well.. I didn’t actually see it in his hand. I just saw his body move quickly away from my buggy as I returned and find my wallet missing.

I hashtag panicked. I immediately announced to the air that “I think that man just stole my wallet!” Announced a few times actually, gradually increasing my volume and level of “OH MY FREAKING GOSH”. Mind you – I still have my friend on the phone who is helpless listening 3+ hours away.

I take off after him. Picture it – Me, a 4’11 woman, hunched over my buggy moving furiously down the aisle after the man who I assume has taken my wallet. In the midst of this mad dash, I interrupt the peace of a poor man’s chopped pecan grocery run with a “Please help me, I think that person just stole my wallet”. He was confused. I didn’t give him another explanation aside from “Come on!! Him, right there!!”

He follows. ~If you ever read this, thank you for just going with it when you could’ve continued to stare at me like I had 5 heads~

All I could think about while running down the baking aisle of Kroger is that I have friends coming in 5 hours and now I have no money or identification and I hAvEn’T eVen BouGhT the WINE!!!!

A very long story short: We catch up to the man who has since rummaged through my wallet before tossing it onto a store shelf. This is unknown to us at the time as we have him shaking all of his pockets, shirts, and jackets hoping something would fall out. (As much one could want their wallet to fall out of the inside of someone else’s clothes.) To no avail and with much “I ain’t got your wallet, see??” I begin to question my accusation.

I mean on the level of holy crap I just accused this man of taking my wallet and he didn’t even do it I am a terrible person who do I even think I am this is terrible

FALSEEE. Another shopper came over to inform us that there is a wallet on aisle 13 that had been tossed on the shelf “if that was what we were looking for”.

Nah, were just having a shake and shimmy your clothes around party on aisle 12 for kicks and giggles.

All of that to say, if you’re going to leave all of your prized possessions in the grocery buggy – be sure you’re willing to accrue a search party whilst chasing after your suspect.

Also, don’t leave anything in the baby seat. Except a baby. And maybe not even that.

One thought on “That One Time at Kroger

  1. Lol. Lol. Lol. Good insight…My dear one!!! You did great and no one is hurt!!
    For all of us readers, if it happens to one of us, shout loudly, and grab the closest man for help in chasing the thief.

    Like

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