I read once about setting your passwords as things you need to remind yourself so that you’re forced to remember every time you type it. This past year my computer password was “you are valuable”. Seeing as I was a college student for the first part of the year and a teacher the latter, unlocking my computer was a common occurrence. Hundreds of times this year I have physically typed the words “you are valuable”. It was a gentle yet powerful reminder that has slowly begun to stick with me.
Life can be hard, people can be bad, life altering moments can happen in an instant. 2017 was a year of brokenness that stripped me of my self worth. It broke my spirit and stole away my value. Events of that year have not and may never be shared, but what IS worth sharing is that 2018 was an intentional year of growth. A year where my mental health exceeded anything else on the “list”. Rediscovering my value was something that was going to take time. Times of heartache and fear, of unanswered questions, times of “why me?”. Something that was going to require vulnerability and help.
My precious daddy gave an analogy in the midst of the brokenness that has stuck with me. Things happen in our lives that are mountain-like. They’re overwhelming, they block the view, they hide the goodness that existed before and blind us of what goodness is coming. He said, right now every where you look is just mountain. You’re standing at the base of it and everywhere you turn its greatness is looming. Towering over you. But everyday it gets a little further away. Slowly distance is created between yourself and this terrible thing that has happened. Time creates distance. The further away you go from your mountain the smaller it will feel. One day you will turn around and while it is still there, it won’t hurt so bad to look at it. It won’t dictate your life and it won’t control your emotions. Not today, but one day.
Many of us have a mountain. A great darkness that looms and towers and controls. Thinking back on this past year, I have come a long way in rediscovering who I am as a person. Who Tully is. For 2019, my goal is to continue on that path. Finding joy in where my life is right now and peace that I am part of a plan larger than I can see. I want to be content in who I am and diminish my fear of being “too much”. I want to show kindness in all that I do and love with a tenderness that stirs in the hearts of others.
Happy New Year!